oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
