The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
