If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
