genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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