i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize