You can't special order awesome
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
