What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
