Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
