Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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