I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Randomize
