I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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