can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
