I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
