I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
