Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize