You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You ruined the universe
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
