Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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