I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
