I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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