Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize