I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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