I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
should my penis look like a turkey
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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