Moan for me like Helen Keller
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Randomize
