my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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