Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
