Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
