Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Randomize
