and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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