I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
