The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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