everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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