3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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