Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
