I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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