i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
