You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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