Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize