I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
