you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
