Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
