the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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