happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
