You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
