You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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