so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
