He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Someone signed my nipple.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
