I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
