The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
