in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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