I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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