You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
