I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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