I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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