life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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