Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
