ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
