You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
