The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
