Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Randomize
